Book Review: The Virgin Homeowner

by Janice Papolos
Norton, New York, $25.00, 444 pages

Reviewed by Stephanie A. Chisholm

F ew experiences in life can be as confusing as buying one's first home. The Virgin Homeowner - The Essential Guide To Owning, Maintaining and Surviving Your First Home, is the first person hilarious account of the author's transition from a Manhattan apartment dweller to a Westport, Connecticut homeowner. Her migration to the suburbs is colorfully recalled in a format which brings what could have been a frightening experience to life.

Ms. Papolos' book is the ideal gift for anyone who is in the process of buying their first home. She is as gifted a speaker as she is a writer, so do go see her on the book tour circuit if you get the chance. The author provides reassurance through her humorous recollections and anecdotes of valuable lessons painfully learned on the domestic frontier.

Starting with the first chapter, appropriately named "Ground Zero", for the home inspection, she skilfully covers the ins and outs of such subjects as "The Inner Mysteries" (plumbing, heating, electricity), "The Uninvited Guests", (from annoying and destructive insects to diseased rodents to burglars) and "The Age of Innocence" (childproofing guidelines and tips). Each chapter features technical illustrations that easily explain abstract concepts or unseen systems like the septic tank. Even topcs that are seldom thought of until an emergency situationarises such as fire safety, ventilation, radon, lead, carbon monoxide and other potential threats to a homeowner's health and safety are throughly covered.

Establishing long-term relationships with household service providers is advised, and since winter is just around the corner, we'll cite as an example the chapter on heating. The author advises the inexperienced homeonwer to consider several things before choosing a fuel company. One would think that the price of the oil would be a major criteria, but Papolos also explores the quality issue fron an environmental standpoint, discussing processing procedurers that benefit the environment as well as your own burner. Other points to consider include the service contract including hourly rates and technical staff availability. An added premium would be a small price to pay for a service man at your door when the heat goes off in the middle of a cold winter's night. I could relate to the check list of things to check outwhen the heat goes off before calling the oil company. When I read that a guest or family member sometimes accidentally turns off the master switch at the top of the stairs, thinking that it may be a light switch, I laughed. Recently, we hypothesized that our ten month old must have grabbed the switch while being carried downstairs. Unfortunately for the oil company, this oversight was discovered after we had already called for service! Another common problem cited in the book is that sometimes the boiler shuts down immediately after an oil delivery, due to sediment being stirred up and clogging the filter, which shuts the machine down. Knowing these little tips about how to keep all systems in working order can eliminate needless worry for the first-time buyer as well as keep potential disasters at bay.

As a mother, the author adds her special brand of humor when she gives her take on another not so fun fall activity; removal of local field mice who seek shelter in your warm basement and attics once the cold weather sets in. She nicknames the mice, "little Mickeys and Minnies" who can "turn your house into a virtual maternity ward" within weeks with a twenty day gestation period! Concerning an enounter with an expired rodent, Papolos advises, "Get a hold of yourself! Put on rubber gloves and get a shovel..."

On a final note, financial matters are covered and Papolos recommends a reserve fund for annual repairs and maintenence, or a "nest egg for your nest egg." She quotes her mother as saying, "Once you own a house, you'll never have to wonder where your next nickel is going." Her wise daughter recommends an annual budget of between 1 and 2 percent of the value of the home (ouch!) for major repairs such as a new roof, drivewayrepaving, exterior paint job or tree removal. A savings account marked "house reserve" should be established with regular deposits made on a monthly basis when the mortgage is paid. Your bank can set up automatic transfers into the house account and before you know it, you'll have the beginning of a cash reserve for unforseen expenses.

About The Author of The Virgin Homeowner:

Janice Papolos is also the author of The Performing Artist's Handbook and, with her husband Demitri Papolos, M D., Overcoming Depression, both recognized as definitive books in their fields. She lives in her family's first home in Westport, Connecticut.